UNDER PRESSURE

It’s a horrible thing when stress enters your home in the form of  people you love.  You have to decide what to do with family. Do you take the constant verbal abuse, the back stabbing, the never-ending negativity or,

do you break clean and be done?

This has been my dilemma and why I haven’t been blogging.

Even though I post a lot of things about myself,

there’s more about the inner workings of me that, I’ve yet to share.

For instance…

even though I’m viewed as a people person,

I’m basically a loner.

I don’t like to bother people (I always think I’m bothering someone which is why I don’t call a lot of people I’d like to) and my circle is very small.

Even though it’s small, I’m extremely loyal to those in it…loyal to fault.

I’ll not only help you bury the body, I’ll be the one cutting the body up while you prep the trunk. That way, we can hurry up and feed the body to some gators.

I will have your back until the end.

Even when you are getting on my nerves, I will NOT release the dragon that is my tongue because,

I love you and I know how sharp it can be.

People in my circle rarely get on my nerves though because, I’m such a ride or die chick where they are concerned .

Loyal to a fault.

Which is why it cuts deep when I keep getting slammed by  family members because now, I have to decide what to do with you.

I don’t believe in the adage  of,” oh that’s family you have to associate with them” because, the fact that we share the same bloodline is not my doing.

I won’t be held bondage to stress because we share some DNA.

The stress goes to another level when one of the family members is your parent.

I am convinced that, my father’s illness is preying upon his personality because, my dad once would not utter an unkind word about me or anything I did.

Everyone in my family knew that my dad’s eyes weren’t big enough for me.

If I looked at something too long, I had it because he though I wanted it.

That has changed.

He began to say some really hurtful things and it was stressing me out big time. One of the biggest things was to attack the work I’d done on the house after Katrina.

That’s a no-fly zone.

My blood, sweat and tears literally went into this work so, I’m sensitive about my Katrina  rebuilding shit.

Perhaps if I’d left it like this,

Instead of this,

Maybe he would have been a lil more appreciative.

No one wants to check their parent.  You try to be respectful but, I’m convinced that sometimes, family members use your silence as a moment of opportunity to slam into you more.

There’s only so much I’m gonna take before I slam back …

and when I slam, the walls of Jericho are gonna fall because, I’m such a ride or die chick.

I’m gonna make sure you feel that shit.

Still, the stress was getting to me.

For the longest time, I couldn’t even look at the computer. Couldn’t go to my own blog…couldn’t read anyone else’s either.

There are two particular bloggers that somehow managed to get deep into my spirit and help me find my way back to blog land.

Ladylee is beyond awesome. I am totally in awe at her writing skills. She has a way of breaking down life in such a way that, it gave me clarity for my own situation. I am totally convinced that there is a specific reason I stumbled upon her blog.  I was able to keep in touch with my spirituality and not revert to my old crazy-ass ways just by reading a lot of her blogs regarding bible class.  Her growth has helped me to grow.

Reggie blogs about any and everything under the sun. I love his blog, it brings me out of my shell. I probably tell more about myself on his blog than I do on my own.  It never fails to put the biggest grin on my face and I’ve been needing a lot of that lately.  I have no idea how he stumbled upon my blog but, I’m so grateful to whatever force brought him my way.

I don’t doubt that my dad loves me but, he can be arrogant at times and I don’t respond too well to arrogance.

I’d rather not deal with those type of people but, since it’s my dad,

I gave him a chance…a final chance.

At this stage in my life, I’m done compromising my health and sanity.

If a person is so self-absorbed that, they don’t care about how I feel or that I’m stressed…

I’m done with that person.

He understands that now.

In addition that drama, NavySeal  recently had surgery…again.

About two years ago, he had to undergo  hip replacement surgery.

Well, the good ole boys at Depuy decided to release some defective hip replacements and NS got one.

Because of the problems it was giving him, he had to have it removed.

That meant another surgery and more physical therapy.

I hope those bastards have to pay out of their asses!

Who the heck wants to have surgery twice for the same damned thing?

He’s recouping pretty well.

He’s still has to go through physical therapy (again) but, at least now the surgery is over and we can begin the healing process.

The place he  had his surgery is  Crescent City Surgical Centre.

It’s a new facility that opened in February of this year.

THIS PLACE IS DA BOMBSHIGGITY!

Y’all know I’m in the healthcare profession so, I’m kinda hard to impress when it comes to that kinda stuff.

I was impressed big time with everything about it!

This place is a dream come true!  The surgeons, nurses and other staff are soooo happy and helpful.

The facility is beautiful…even the parking lot!

Every patient has a private room with a pull-out for their loved one to sleep on if they want to stay the night.

They neglected nothing at this place!

The entire staff is soooo happy because, they love where they work.

That in itself makes a difference.

When you’re around a bunch of happy folks, it’s hard for some of that not to rub off,

which in turn, helps the patient.

This place figured that piece of the puzzle out.

For the folks in the area, if you ever have to have surgery…check’em out…you’ll be glad you did.

PurpleKnight  will be going to Philly in a few months to see his grandmother and aunts.

While I was on phone with his grandmother she mentioned that, “someone”  who is staying in the basement may know where SpermDonor is (remember PK has never met him) and that he could find him.  She wanted to know if I wanted PK to meet him.

At first I told her no because, PK will be 20 years old in a few months…what can SpermDonor do now?

Also, I didn’t want him to be hurt by SpermDonor’s promises again.

Then, I thought about it and brought it to PK’s attention.

At first he wasn’t too sure about it  but, has now decided that, he’d like to meet him.

He’s exact words were,

“I’m grown now…I just wanna see him, he can’t do nothing for me. You did it all mom.”

I have a funny feeling  that the “someone” in the basement IS  SpermDonor

It doesn’t matter though. I actually think it will be a good thing for PK to see him.

They probably will never have a relationship but, at least he will have seen him.

Sometimes, that’s all that’s needed…

especially after 20 years have gone by.

I’ll be doing more blog posts  but, at least I got this one out.

It was a struggle  but, I’m glad I finally managed to fight out of the fog.

It took me months to do it but,

I’MMMMMM BAAACCCKKKK!

I missed you guys!

Oh, and if y’all see typo’s, screwed up sentences and stuff…I ain’t fixin’ it!

It was hard enough getting this one out,

I don’t have the energy to go around fixing stuff.

 

 

 

 

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16 thoughts on “UNDER PRESSURE

  1. Hi bc, So glad to “hear” your voice again! I suspected that your absence had something to do with your father being under the same roof. The meanness is from his disease, it affects the brain and behavior and seeming personality, but underneath the surface the spirit is immortal. Just remember his true and loving personality from earlier times. But I’m so sorry you have had so much stress. Things continue changing, and there will be happier times ahead. Good luck and take care, Love, sp

  2. Bayou Chick!

    I left a long comment, but it got ate up…

    I will try to repeat it.

    I am sorry you are having problems with your father. You know of my past issues with my mother, and how I don’t have a relationship with her. Something clicked with me, after writing a blog post some 6 years ago, a commentor said that I should evaluate my relationships. Anything toxic has to go. And my relationship with my mother was incredibly toxic. You know how I feel about people who leave mental and emotional carnage everytime they step in the room. So for the sake of my sanity and self-worth, I had to let it go. And I must say I was able to exhale… and have peace of mind. I am convinced that God doesn’t want me stressed… or stressing anyone out. I have had to find my peace in the situation… between myself and God, and within my own heart.

    I think the sticky point is dealing with what everyone else thinks of your decisions. Be sure you understand what God thinks of your decsions. That is what matters in the long run.

    I wish I would’ve known what was up. I have your phone number, you know. Me and you are alike: don’t like bothering people. But I am so glad we had a phone convo that one time. Talked for an hour. It did much for my heart and spirit. You are one great chick, and don’t you forget it!

    A speedy recovery to the Navy Seal. He has you there, so I know he gets the best of care.

    • Lee, I wanted to call you but, I didn’t want to bother you. I’ll be calling you from now on though.
      I agree that anything toxic has to go. It’s just not healthy being miserable because you are trying to hold on to something just because they’re kinfolk.
      I tell my kids that, I hope they grow up and remain close but, unless they keep respect in the equation, they never will be.
      Chick, I think I’ve read your entire blog…lol
      You have no idea how healing your words are.

  3. I don’t know how I found your blog, but I do love it so. You’re an excellent writer and I’ve rarely come to your blog without leaving with a big shit eating grin on my face.

    I miss ‘Nawlins………and even if I’m not there anymore, at least I can get the occasional piece of it from your blog.

    Family is the one thing that can drive us all insane. Maybe it’s because we love our families so……..I’m sure that’s it. When your family is driving you crazy, try and remember that it’s not personal. Your father isn’t quite himself. Your family (usually the one’s that don’t step up in my experience) usually feel guilty for not doing more and they then want to be actively involved……when they shouldn’t be.

    Either way, all we can do is love them.

    You’re an awesome person and I know you have the inner strength to see this through. Someone has to be strong, even when everyone else wants to act a goddamned fool. Remember you do these things for your father because he’s your father.

    It was John F Kennedy who said “we choose to go to the moon and do the other thing not because it’s easy, but because it is hard” (or something like that).

    Stay strong dear friend, stay strong.

    • Thanks Reg. See, this is why I love you guys…you all rock. I can’t lie,it was hard. I think a lot of it stemmed from the fact that, my dad really did not want to return to New Orleans. He wanted to stay in Houston but, he really couldn’t so, he’s kinda peeved about that in addition to everything else.
      Taking it out me wasn’t gonna help his situation though because, I keep telling these knuckleheads that the same bloodline that goes through their veins, goes through mine.
      Just because I “choose” not to jump don’t mean I can’t get froggy…lol
      He’s much better now, NS is recovering and it’s not hot as hell here anymore….I can exhale now.

  4. I missed you so much! I too had a feeling you were dealing with your Dad so I was praying for you. I know this is difficult for you but I have to agree with Lee. If you’re mentally and emotionally sick, you can’t care for anyone else including Navy Seal.

    Praying for you (((hugs)))

    • Thanks Taz!
      Chick, I’ve already made sure that I am OFF when the Falcons play the Saints in the Dome! That’s the day after Christmas…wow.
      Wonder how many Falcons will be Celebrating Christmas in The Big Easy…that’s gonna be a really fun Christmas!!

  5. First time visitor here and I’m glad I stopped by. I love your blog. We sound a lot a like with the loner stuff and issues with a parent and even the sperm donor thing. My eyes kept getting bigger and bigger as I read on. Keep your head up and know that everything is going to work out for the best. Thanks for coming by my spot.

  6. God bless you! I’m so sorry you’ve been under such stressful situations and pray that your future is bright.

    Tell Navy Seal I hope his P.T. goes well and he’s mobile soon.

    Good luck with your father.

    I’m glad you’re back.

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