The Weekend From Hell...nurse tales from the hood.

*this post is rated “G”…for the ghettoliciousness of it all*  reader beware!

Well, this weekend I went to my  “extra gig” where I’m the supervisor at this little facility on the wet west bank.  After this experience, I don’t know how I let my friends convince me to go into these facilities with them. I guess I’m one of those glutton for punishment type of people. I’m sure there was a full moon this weekend because, the crazies were out in full force.  At least no one was beat up this weekend…but, it almost happened.

Saturday night, I had two nurses going at it…one white, one black (I’ll call vanilla and chocolate.)

It’s 10 at night and all is quiet. Me and two of the cna’s are at one station watching a movie..(hey, don’t judge us man.)  We’re sitting there and all of a sudden, we hear all of this yelling and screaming coming from down the hall.

Me: what the hell is that?

So, we step from behind the nurses station and all I see is nurse vanilla in the middle of the hallway screaming,

ALI! YOU BETTER COME GET THIS B*TCH!

*why me …lawd…why me?*

So, me and the cna’s scurry down the hallway and while walking  there…it’s hitting me like a tornado:

nurse vanilla: this b*tch don’t know who she playin with…

nurse chocolate: no, YOU don’t know who YOU playin with…

nurse vanilla: I been here for 16 hours!! I’m ready to get the hell out of here! This b*tch is on the phone!

nurse chocolate:  I don’t give a f*ck how long you been here b*tch!

*why  me….lawd…why me*

So, my mind has automatically gone to thinking that their narcotic count is off. In the nursing realm, the one thing that will get two nurses going at it is a bad narcotic count. Before you accept the keys from the nurse leaving, they both do a count of the narcotics at that station. and if  it’s off, war breaks out because, no one wants to have to deal with all of the drama that can come from narcotics missing.

So, after listening to them go at it, I still didn’t understand what the hell it was about. And they’ve gotten closer and closer to one another… like they are about to set if off in this here joint.

I somehow end up right in between them…Medusa and The Cracken.

But I wasn’t worried about any fists flying over my head because they already know that at 5′ tall…if you come near me, I’m not busting heads for the white meat…I’m going straight for grey matter!

me:WAIT, WAIT! …is the count off?! …I gotta scream over the screaming.

two crazy nurses: NO! We ain’t even counted yet!!!

ok, this is when they got the  “ya’ll two stupid asses up in here ” look from me.

me to nurse vanilla: you, go stand over there.

me to nurse chocolate: come on, let’s count.

So, I’m doing the count with nurse chocolate and I hear nurse vanilla (while she’s calling the director of nurses from her cell phone) say,

“this bitch about to make me go back to jail!”

… not TO JAIL but, BACK to jail….hmmm.

* I couldn’t make this stuff up if I wanted to*

The narcotic count is good and I walk nurse vanilla outside to her car and she finally leaves.

BUT WAIT IT ONLY GETS BETTER….

Sunday, I’m back at the same place and around 9 p.m. , all of a sudden there is a radio playing at full-volume coming from one of the rooms. While the cna and I are walking to the room, I hear a patient yelling…f* all you mother f*ers! Leave me the f* alone! We go to the room, and old boy is sitting there smoking (a big no-no) and somehow has a daiquiri. He’s steadily screaming @ no one! He’s in the room alone.  He spots us  and screams GET THE F* OUTTA HERE!…LEAVE ME THE F* ALONE!

So, I walk away from ole’ psycho and call Jefferson Parish Officers (J.P.) to the scene.  I call my friend, who is the director of nurses at this crazy facility and she says she wants him out of the place, tell JP to take him.

3 JP officers arrive and escort ole’ psycho out of the building. Psycho man says he’s going around the corner to his brother.

15 minutes later…psycho man has returned…with his brother…psycho, the sequel.

Psycho the sequel, accost the nurse (who is 9 months pregnant)demanding to know who put his brother out. She tries to explain to him about the aggressive behavior but, he doesn’t want to hear that and keeps walking down the hall…towards me.

Nurse calls JP back to facility.

Psycho 2, approaches me and all I can say is… he must have seen it in my face ( I DO NOT have a poker face) because all of the ranting and raving grief he gave the other nurse, did not come my way.

psycho 2: Who put my brother out?

me:your brother is out of control and aggressive,we can’t have him in here like that. JP escorted him off of the premises and we were told that, if he returns to call them back and they’d be back.

psycho 2: oh, but he has nowhere to go…he wouldn’t hurt a fly.

me: *thinking….he just walked around the corner to your house, if he wouldn’t hurt a fly…keep his tail by you until the morning.* But, what came outta my mouth was, “I’m sorry, we have to consider the welfare of all of the other patients, he can’t remain in here.”

Now, JP is in the building again and escorting psycho 1 and 2 out of the building.

Psycho 2 comes back three times…yeah JP was with him each time, they hung around for a while…trying to get me to let ole’ boy stay.

Hell naw!

I read that chart…homeboy threatened to shoot a person at another facility, he has extremely aggressive behavior,he is a schizophrenic with….traumatic brain injury!

Can you even get any crazier than that?

And I know the problem….no third floor Charity is the problem.

There is no place for the psychotic people to go and now, family members are putting them in extended-care facilities… where they have elderly people…good grief.

The director of nurses calls me up…it’s 3 a.m. and I’ve been in this place too darn long.

me: why  the hell did you call me for this mess up in here?

her: because, I know you can handle it.

Yeah chick, forget all the flattery…put it in my paycheck…put it in my paycheck.

I’m tired.